A LIFE FOR THE LIVING

57

By Tiersha

left to right-daughter friend neice daughter son friend
left to right-daughter friend neice daughter son friend

THE PRELUDE

Each of us seems to find a void in our lives but don't know how to fill the void or with what. The understanding and lost words of a child is what seems to bring on the epiphany and subsequently can change lives and provoke new thought patterns. This is exactly what happened.

THE BEGINNING

I didn't start out as a bad person, but a person who made bad decisions and when I decided to change it was a long hard road but I prevailed in many ways. Despite the accomplishments in my life I have had this empty void and never could quite figure out why. I always had children running around me, took time with them, taught them the basics of home ownership repairs, how to ride horses, about chores, team work, ethics and morals and even though my patience is sometimes short somehow I've gotten patience through to them. I've gotten them off to college and have sat back and watched them grow and it's always an extended proud moment.

While talking with a good friend of mine he told me he thought my calling was children. At the time I joked that maybe he was right considering I had so many of them or so it seemed. It was during this time that my second cousin had just hit the foster care system with very little chance of ever being returned to her parents. Alex was 13 years old, soon to turn 14 and for most an extreme handful. Over the years I had watched her father's side of the family abuse her and her mother, my 1st cousin, belittle her and despite the reports to child welfare as well as local officers nothing ever changed. The one constant that never changed throughout the years is that Alex, my kids and I remained close.

It was a phone call I received at work one day that started to change lives. It was to inform me that Alex was in foster care and why. I felt shattered and if I did I knew Alex must be. I had a long talk with the child welfare investigator regarding the abuses and what would happen from here. Even though Alex and my immediate family had remained close, the law does not recognize us as family because we are extended and in this lied the loss of ever being able to get Alex into our home permanently. I could not be a foster parent due to mistakes made in the past. I begged, pleaded and cried for this chance and kept being told no, the most I would have were visits.

Despite this I spoke with Alex's attorney and started appearing in court hearings. I Introduced myself to all involved workers, CASA volunteers, and the Judge who gave me hope by telling Child Welfare to take a closer look at the standing family. I kept this hope close and tried not to get Alex's hopes up should they be dashed. As the last thing I wanted was for her to continue on the destructive and possible suicidal path because she had been let down one too many times.

Christmas time was coming and I had won the first battle, we got Alex for a week during the holidays. It was hard letting her go back to foster care as she would be several hours away. We hung onto the future knowing we would see each other in a few months, at her father's trial that would send him to prison for a long time and we both clung to each other, nervous about the future.

CLEANSING OF OUR SOULS

Time came and went, Alex's father was convicted of sexual abuses, Alex's mother remained in another state and stayed fairly uninvolved and when no one was looking I cried. I kept wondering about the unfairness of the life this little girl I loved so much had been made to live. I screamed in my quiet way to send her home to us. I prayed for understanding as to why. I kept fighting. Through all of this I kept remembering the Judge's comment about the last family and my knowledge in knowing that the judge could overrule all decisions.

The day of Alex's father's trial approached and Alex, I and the child welfare worker were outside of the courthouse. Alex and I being nervous as we were both testifying and right before we walked in Alex stopped and stared at the courthouse and as I turned I saw her tears silently sliding down. It was rare that Alex showed any emotion but happy or anger. Thinking that she was crying about having to go in I tried to comfort her.

Alex was allowed to testify away from her father which was a big help for her but the biggest help was a letter she had written and was allowed to read. While it was out of the context of the trial itself she insisted. She started the letter with tears and explaining how she was crying outside.

Dear Aunt Cara,

I have cried so many times. I've hated people and my life, thought of suicide, ran away, gave up in so many ways. I quit caring about school or good grades, started fighting with everything and everyone, sometimes even you and today I am still very angry and for the most part still don't care but it finally hit me that you have been trying so hard and you are here with me and have been all these years, You are the one that I knew I could always go to, the one I was always safe with and you never gave up on me. You never let me get away with my crap, your rules are strict and sometimes it is downright boring when I am at your house but I realized that in all of this I knew you loved me and would never stop fighting for me like you have fought for Kryssy or little Zach or RoseAnn and deep down I want to be good and turn out ok just like them. Without your help I am not sure I can but I want you to know that I will do my best no matter what happens in the future. I love you so much and will never forget what you have tried to do for me.

Love Alex.

After Alex read this letter, there wasn't a dry eye among those of us who wanted to help her. The Judge called a short recess and Alex and I cried in each other's arms; She, because of the emotions and all the years of holding everything in and I because my void had just been filled. I never realized how much I meant not only to my biological kids but to others around me. I had wanted to do more and never knew what to do and it was through the words of a 13 year old lost little girl that I realized I had been doing more all along.

Today Alex is living with me. She gets to see and talk to her cousins and great grandparents more than ever. She is in counseling still and may choose to pop in and out of it throughout her life as I have. Her grades are good and despite our few moments of boundary settings she's ok. She's finally planning a future, something she has never done before and there's a good chance that she will go on in life trying to help other children.

Breaking the cycle of abuse and learning how to become a kid before becoming an adult is the hardest thing to do in my book but it has been done. Despite my abuses growing up I chose not to abuse and in doing that all my "kids" have chosen not to abuse and so a new legacy has been given to all of us. In this we all thank each other for our lessons and thank our higher power for the perseverance to find life.

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